Thursday, December 30, 2010

Freud, Deception and the Power of How

 Freud was an immaculate figure and a psychological acumen. Well-known for all his psychoanalytic wizardry, theories and ideas of extraordinary and some discerning in other ways (unconscious theories in particular). However, one area that Freud had yet to unravel was 'Self- Deception.'

 I began to realize the powerful agendas which Freud and many others including myself seem to walk pass across on our daily live.

A Paradox which dominates the the philosophical treatment of bad faith or in some cases -deception about ourselves and others around us which seem as irrelevant to our understandings....

But what if seeing through Self Deception takes organizations, individuals, families and what's more society to break what has become the 'norm'- such as " I'll scratch your back if you scratch mine".

Seeing Through Self-Deception

As I mentioned, although Freud was unable to unravel what became known as the "self-deception paradox," some scholars whom have been wrestling the same issue for over a century soon broke the fundamentals to Deception.

Self-deception is one of the most difficult aspects of being unreal to ourselves and others. This is partly because self-deception always served an often desperate, personal need where we only convince ourselves that a falsehood is true because we desire it to be true for some reason close to our hearts.

This it is mainly because self-deception creates its own invisibility.

But the problem with this is that friends, managers all and always will have their own agendas. Even a 'best friend', for example, may lie to us for reasons of her own -Besides this, everyone is playing the same addictive game and groups of friends or colleagues are a powerful source of false beliefs.

As humans we haven fallen into a few traps that may act as defense mechanisms.  It might be thought that the clue to avoiding self-deception lies in the fact that objectively confirmed self-beliefs are generally more reliable than self-beliefs which rely solely on subjective justifications. For instance, we tend to know what we are doing is wrong yet we blindly and deceivingly provide excuses that gets us out of a situation.

The Leadership and Self-Deception Book recalls a monumental truth on its preface page;  An infant is stuck beneath a furniture and although how hard she tries to cry or bang her head to the sides, she will not be able to be released. Infact what is worse was she started to push more only to find herself trapped for good. You see the problem was that the infant had crawled underneath the furniture in the first place and got stuck. She may even blame the furniture for having being stuck. But looking closer the problem was the infant but she couldn't have seen it. Being the problem, any solution the infant decides to try will hence not work.

In a simple term The Choice that determines Influence just doesn't stop there, as there is always something which goes beyond the blaming, behind the defense mechanisms or the blinding behaviors... it us the Paradox of Deception which reveals a deeper more congruent truth to problem solving on many levels-- expanding the Power of HOW rather than the WHAT!

Leadership and Self-Deception comes in an Audio-version.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Two Different Faces

 TWO-FACED: An Insight to People-Problems

Have we noticed how some people may be timid as mouses when talking to customers/clients but fierce as a tiger with their employees?

People have a tendency to divert to two or multiple different tasks, tones, personalities and attitudes. As a very distinct part of human behavior, being two-faced is a description we often use when  someone acts in such a manner that is deceitful or 'Fake'.

We can generally identify a 'Fake' behavior, such as to whether that person really means what he or she really has to say. it could simply taking noticing how an apology may not be sincere. As such even you and me fail in many ways too!  For some this will be failing to see people like as with the same needs and wants. 

Dealing with an unpleasant situations can be both common and painful. Among the hundreds of problems faced at work, this is one of the most persistent and harmful causes of job-related stress.When you don't get along with your colleague, manager or client your days in the office feelings of hatred, and what's worse, a 'BURDEN' builds a communication 'shut-down' preventing any effort to reconcile.

Arbinger Concepts discusses the Choice- The Power of How... A choice that each and everyone of us has... The power of spreading the key to: relationships, communication, conflict resolution, individual growth, effective leadership, team-building, motivation, cooperation, accountability, trust, living values in the spirit they were intended, authenticity, focusing on results, alignment, vision creation and buy-in, decision-making and more.

There is nothing in most management literature that touches on this matter. I wonder why this is not a wider topic of discussion. Two face or not, in the path towards a peace at work and heart we must 'honor our sense that hits us in our guts.

People-problems spread wide and far and tackling issues as huge as this one considers a Deeper focus. Arbinger suggests a series of levels which help organizations understand the root to people problems and stem out deeper solutions to these problems affecting growth in leadership.

Get in Touch with Arbinger

Friday, December 10, 2010

Quiz For the Deeper Freedom

 Inspiration wears many faces. I was taking a train ride back home, the usual crowd in the train began to disperse towards the last few stops. (Mine is the last stop) I was suddenly in conversation with a lady, about her mid 30's who presented me with an unusual but most life-changing Quiz....
Ready to take the Quiz:
1.     Name the 5 wealthiest people in the world.
    Name the last 2 winners of the Miss Universe  contest.
3.     Name 3 people who have won the Nobel Prize.
4.     Name the last  5 Oscar Award winners for best actor  or actress.
5.    Name the 5 World Cup winners.
(Were you able to name at least 3/5 of the questions and correctly? Be Truthful)
Lesson learnt:
Although these people are the best in their fields;
   Their applause dies.
   Awards tarnish.
   Achievements are forgotten.
   Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners
By the way I couldn't get past the first Question itself- all I knew was Donald Trump.. then I was blank for the rest of the other Questions.
Now ready for your next Quiz:
1. List 5 Teachers who aided your journey through school.
2. Name 5 friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
3.Name 5 people who have taught you something worthwhile.
4.Think of 5 people who have made you feel appreciated and special.
5.Think of 5 people you enjoy spending time with. 
 Lesson learnt: 
The people who make a difference in your life are not
the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards
They are the ones whom share the deeper meaning with you!
 My biggest lesson on the train was the understanding of the purpose of this deeper meaning. 
2 things that immediately came to thought about the Quiz idea was about being responsive with the Freedom. How amazing was that moment to just feel uplifted, free just to know that you are someone important in his or her life? Here is what the Quiz really did for me. 
 In terms to Freedom what we need to know is that when we start to understand is what we want or what we choose is considered Freedom. However in reality, there is really no Freedom. We want to break rules but we can't, Cossie also discusses; 'The down side of rules.' Also just as we thought we should know about these important celebrities, sports people or the famous, we actually don't.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Walk the Talk- When Problems Arise

Facing a Problem, What Are we Going to Do?
Ozone holes, acid rain, deforestation and shrinking coral reefs crept up on us so easily and caused a huge environmental problem which generations will come to bear.

 The problems do not only stop there... the rich are getting richer and the poor poorer, homeless, stranded, terrorism, corruption, illness spreading....

There are always going to be problems with the world. Problems at work, at home within our conscious minds or what we might not know, this may also be a problem...

The biggest problem in the world today though, and one that leads to a myriad of the rest of the world's problems is the lack of accountability or taking ownership ....

Selfishness can be mind boggling at times.

This is not only a major problem in the word today- as there is an excuse for almost everything. From being a responsible citizen, an accountable employee/ employer, selfless parent or understanding spouse. Selfishness plays a definite role in many cases.

Whether we are holding people accountable for their actions, what is important here is our instinctive need to 'justify' our selfishness.

Have your Reserved Justifications ?

1. Our grasp of our self-identity is yet to be defined, but we spend our lives trying to be true to ourselves. Although we try desperately to live up to a definition of ourselves, we have not yet produced. Many of us will never produce it. Some have this idea processed for them by those around them, who -again- spend time defining other people's lives instead of using that time for themselves.

2. We also tend to engage in rituals of mindless self-indulgence, even though we know (both deep down we realize we are compromising in many ways) that these are things we want no part of, things we know will hurt us. This maybe a common situation to relate with-- watching something on TV which that was so 'interesting' and noticed your Mother/ Father/ struggling to finish washing dishes??

3. Our thought processes work better when we are unsuspecting; when our minds have no expectations to live up to. Thus, revelations rarely come when you're trying for them.

What happens if we stop trying to live up to a definition of anything except what we want to be?

It seems that all the energy we spend trying to keep our lives simple and safe would go just as far in trying to make our lives both complex and fulfilling. The next time we jump at the chances to pursue these justifications we must take the ownership to live the lives that we've decided? 

But there is a Solution... This blog is not promoting selfishness. It is about the need to help out individuals who feel  there is a need to Honor the Sense, HONOR YOUR SENSE. The many symptoms owing to Dis-honoring one's senses starts with the lack of motivation, lack in commitment, building up of daily stress, communication problems and failure to live the life we selfishly think we are hoarding to protect. According to ARBINGER my blame, my resentment and indifference diminishes with just ONE concept that will change our Lives.. Learn more about this concept.

Tags: Leadership and Self-DeceptionAnatomy of Peace, Bonds that Makes us Free, Accountability, Problems, Solutions, Arbinger.

Who says that Change is Impossible? 

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Monday, November 22, 2010

Integrity factor: IF

you can keep your head when all about you, Are losing theirs and blaming it on you, 
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you, But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim; If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same; If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools, Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools: 
If you can make one heap of all your winnings. And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings, And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew, To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you, Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute, With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it...
Rudyard Kipling

Friday, November 19, 2010

When Our Boxes Erupt???

What Happens when our Boxes erupt for the week:          
Sunday becomes Sinday....


Monday turns to Mournday (Feeling the Monday Blues)


Tuesday.... Tearsday     

Wednesday... Wasteday
How about justifying your way of out Thursday....Thirstday
Eventually we arrive to a week with carrying boxes....(Friday) 


and finally Saturday 

 wait for it......


 It's  Shatterday!!! 

When Boxes Erupt, what are your days like?

Thursday, November 11, 2010

What is the Anatomy of Service?

An Everyday Service: Going the Extra Mile With a Heart and High-Five.
A shop owner notices a group whom seemed to be loitering in his anti shop towards the closing time.

Shop Owner: " Hi my name is Bob what are yours dudes?" as he raises his hands for a high five...

The uniqueness of his state was one which directed towards 3 young teenagers each with very loud dispositions, hooked up to their Ipods and heavily waxed up hair-dos to direct their attention to the shop owner whom smiled and came forward to establish contact with each of them.

After chatting for a few seconds with the shop owner, one young teenager remarked to his buddies, " Man we gotta buy something!"

As they left the check-out counter, the store owner shot point blank one final blast of
benevolence: “Please visit me again Tom, Bruce & Mike, want to get those similar hairdo's too!”

We get a glimpse when we witness a “random act of kindness.”Only service grace is not random, it is continual.  

What was the Anatomy of service here? A short story but with a great and underlying distinction to what the secret of what Service is all about. Like the teenagers in the opening story, it causes customers to act their best. It can tame hostility, enrich the ordinary, and add “A story to tell” to “I got my money’s worth.”

When one detects an outward giving gesture: as applied in customer service it is this "Sense" which is expressed in an unlikely context, an assertion (or as the book on Anatomy of Peace talks about- 'Way of Being', not a response; an attitude, not a tactic not fake.

Giving way to the "Way of Being"

Service means customers experiencing you pushing it to the top. The pursuit of excellence says to your customers, “You are so important to me that you get my very best.” “Being really good” includes service with an attitude—an unmistakable disposition of joy and confidence. It means staying on top of the subtle signals in the customer’s experience that might disappoint. And, it encompasses insuring customers witness great internal service—co-worker to co-worker.

“When people ask me how do you make it in show business,” says famed actor Steve Martin, “what I always tell them — and nobody ever takes note of it ‘cuz it’s not the answer they wanted to hear. What they want to hear is here’s how you get an agent, here’s how you write a script, here’s how you do this — But I always say: Be so good they can’t ignore you. If somebody’s thinking, ‘How can I be really good?’ people are going to come to you. It’s much easier doing it that way than going to a lot of parties.”

The Way of Being is deeper and more important than Behavior itself! ~

Eliminating Obstacles : When Service is NOT about 
"Take Out the Papers and the Trash"

The expectations of customers are higher than they have ever been. Their patience is shorter and their likelihood of taking their cash elsewhere is greater. That’s a wake-up call to ramp up close attention to the service garbage--whatever hassles customers.

No, it doesn't mean paperwork should be easier and simpler; lines should move faster, be shorter, and customer facing employees should be friendlier and more helpful.

Realize that the Obstacle is Never the Customer. Take a close look at where customers have to work hard to get the service that should come with ease. They came in to give you their cash and too often get treated as if they are an interruption to more important tasks. One way of being is to recognize people- whether customer, boss, co-worker as 'people' or the other as seeing people as Obstacles.
Question is which type of relationship does your brand want with its customers?

Add an Element of Surprise

Service with is delivering an extra, providing a surprise. I call it the Out-of-the -box approach. There is always something magical about an out-of-the-box surprise!

The coolest part is the fact that you never know exactly what is expected. This creates a thrill- unjustifiable happiness so as to speak. It is like a “jack-in-the-box” when the "jack" is going to pop out of the box. Service is like a jack-in-the-box--colorful service is always punctuated by a joyful,
novel surprise retaining attention for years to come and adding value-added relationships with customers.

The next time you are delivering service to someone, give them the 3 service 'Musts'—your very best, with all the hassle removed, and with a joyful surprise added. One insight in the Anatomy of Peace is that behaviors are not as important as trying to understand why we behave in a manner. Organizations can benefit by utilizing this Key tool to "WOW-ing" their customers as nothing outshines than a Great Service!

Your Personal Checklist to Anatomy of Service:

1. Ask yourself are you focused on your own needs, results?
2. Are you open or closed to Correcting yourself?
3. Do you find yourself fully accountable in work, in terms of dealing with a customer 
4. How often do you try and learn and teach others when you can?
5. Do you move too quickly to solutions or perverse delight in problems?
6. How do you find yourself feeling when you earn people's trust?

Because there is only One Thing Dividing a Solution from an Answer, Your Link to Us...

Tags: Book Galore, Anatomy of Peace, Leadership-Self-Deception, Bonds that Makes Us Free, Get Service, Motivation.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Getting Real

Real meaning of words are those that are engraved deep onto one's life, which are intangible and not many people will know and understand not on someone's verbal declaration for emotions such as love sorrow, patience, innocence, departure, pain, respect, compassion, friendship, divine and the list just grows as do our relationships...
                                                                                                                                                                 Delicate Meaning of Words 

Words are a powerful weapon to communicate BLAME!

"Ever wish you could take back something you had said in the heat of the moment?"  

Imagine when we start blaming, we shift responsibility for what's going wrong to someone else consisting of rationalizing words. We are now indulged with irritation, humiliation, self-pity, resentment or frustration and a whole other range of deception thoughts...

When we lie with our emotions and attitudes and often with our words, what are we prepared to LOOSE?  Life is not about waiting for the words to spill and storms to pass ... it's about caring and loving your relatives and friends while you can touch and see them and they are still among us.
Embrace the Journey When Words become Wordless..                

Its a Journey Every Man will take as he passes His Footsteps to the next.....
We have a choice to be there and detach from warring emotions or conflicts

 Where Compassion is more than just handling a handful of cries in the night... Innocence is what remains... and seeing through that is what makes it special. We have a choice

 Where friends are always there right beside you giving you a pat on the back when required, you hold a grudge to their annoying worries, concerns, or needs we also tend to share....  We still have a choice

              Because certain things need not be spoken, may our troubles be less and instead your blessings be more.  Lets always work towards a positive being, and Happiness should always be coming through your door. The place to be happy is here and the time to be happy is now.  The 'choice' to be happy is to Bond Others as so.                                          
 Words are now also a powerful weapon to communicate this Choice.

“The CHOICE” workshop Series organized by Arbinger shares ideas and tools that have profound individual and organizational implications ....  The books, “The Anatomy of Peace – Resolving the Heart of Conflict” and “Leadership and Self Deception – Getting Out of the Box”, explain the self-deception paradox and provide solutions for maximizing our quality of relationships, effectiveness, experience and quality of life.) For more details on the Choice Series books contact us HERE!

Monday, October 25, 2010

LOVE? A Sacrifice or Miracle Debate

      What does Love mean to you?

"Love--the feeling--is a fruit of love, the verb." (Stephen R. Covey)

I have been pondering over this week on What the meaning of love is....How we define Love (as love means differently for all).... 

Why is it Love has so much yet so little to talk about? Not only was I deeply engrossed in  Stephen's quote but the insights from a discussion within the community here... further drifted me to capture thoughts, values and invite discoveries pertaining this issue. 

Capturing Controversial Claims over LOVE:

  • My suffering's not false, but my blame is ...
  • A wonder of primal instinct, a wonder of spiritual connection, a wonder of bio-chemical processes 
  • What will be yours?

    But What does love still mean to us? 

    There are many people unaware with what love means for themselves.  What we do know are the acts of love. This could include empathizing with others sharing their stories, generously providing  material/financial ways, helping others with tangible tasks.

    (Martin Luther King)

    "He whom you would change, you must first love."

    This is truly inspiring story of Love and Change;

    Click here:

     What is truly inspiring in Relationships and LOVE

    Herein lies my freedom: The world I encounter springs from my own soul.

    Herein lies my fate: Which world will spring from me?”
    From "The Choice."

    Once again as Love continues so does the discussion to LOVE at the Arbinger Community. 

    You may also wish to join in our other discussions including; My Boss is A Jerk!,  Relationship between Moral Sensibilities and Reasoning, or Question of the Week: Your Arbinger Investments
    Tag Our Gifts of Love: Anatomy of Peace, Leadership and Self-Deception, Bonds that Make Us Free

    Friday, October 22, 2010

    DAY 3 One more Time Around...

    Workshop for Leadership Self-Deception (Core-Training) Day 2Workshop

    A heavy Breakfast to start of the day...

    The Warm Registration

    Participants engaged in talk by Senthiyl

    Tea Break to mingle...

    Pizzas, sandwiches and chocolate pastries...  Just awesome!

    Group Shots

    We had the best event of getting to meet extraordinary people and getting to share our Arbinger Ideas to many new members.
     Cheers to All Arbinger Friends!

    DAY 2- Workshop Day

    Workshop for Leadership Self-Deception (Core-Training) 

    The morning greets us with a wide range of buffet selection for Breakfast.
    Enjoying a Quiet Morning Breakfast
    The buffet included a range of  cereals, breads, cheese, salads, scrambled eggs, sausages, nasi lemak, juices, milkshakes fruits etc..

    Final Checks -Registration Begins

    Ensuring all in place and presentable in the morning!

    Svend and Senthiyl Registers with Sahara at the entrance of Victoria Ballroom...

    Participants warm up as Senthiyl introduces what self-deception is all about.

    In deep concentration, Arbinger friends listen carefully

    Discussion Discussion & More Discussions...

    Great View from the front as Participants were invited to the back to discuss on their BOX type

    Arbinger Friends socializing and discussing

    Lunch at Palm Terrace

    Participants were specially arranged for buffet lunch at Palm Terrace

    Book Galore- Precious, Priceless Gifts to Loved Ones

    Precious gifts for work colleagues, bosses and even their family members or friends.

    Arbinger Friends Leaving with Heart at Peace

    Dinner- Pizza @ Pizzeria

    Being served at Pizzeria, we ladies enjoyed the food. Senthiyl with his classic tiramisu, Svend with his much required notebook from 7-11,